Don’t Let Me Down

I’m not pessimistic; I believe in miracles.
In order to make it happen, I work hard . . . 

Ampop, "Don’t Let Me Down," from My Delusions, 2006, Butik Music. 

Somehow I managed to end up without any friends. I keep thinking at some point this part of my life will pass, that I’ll make a true friend again like the ones I made in college, but I find myself alone again and again. I have a bunch of acquaintances, people I work with, and people I know on the net. I have one intimate relationship and a job. I hate my isolation, my inability to let people close to me, my strangeness. But what I hate the most is when it comes home to me so hard that I can’t escape how alone I feel because I can’t manage to share my pain with anyone. All I can do is carry it. I don’t know what else to do. Years and years go by, and the intervals between the pain seems to stretch farther and farther, and then just out of nowhere it comes and I don’t know how I ended up this way.

I’m probably just tired and used up right now. All I know is my tank is completely empty, and all I can do is cry. I don’t know how I stumbled upon this rawness but I wish it would go away, get covered up, or drown. This is a dangerous time because this is when I want to die. I won’t die. I’ll see it through. Since I don’t have a friend, I have to step outside of myself and talk to myself, and tell myself to hang on.

Don’t let me down. I’m sorry, forgive me.

Don’t get me wrong. This is not anyone else’s failure but mine. I will hang on. I believe in miracles. I believe in tomorrow, the sunshine, the other side of this.

But I don’t want to. So I have to find a song and hold on. It’s all I’ve got.

I always try to follow your demands
All that I wish for seems to be in your hands

Don’t let me down. I’m sorry, forgive me
I believe in miracles. I believe in miracles . . .
miracles . . .miracles.

This is cross-posted on my MOG.  

 Tags: PTSD, ampop