Feeling Broken
Broken Bridge by Yali Shi of Kaohsiung, Taiwan, courtesy stock.Xchng
Yesterday I went to my doctor to hear him confirm what I already knew: I have bilateral carpal tunnel syndrome — damage in both wrists. To begin aggressive therapy, he injected me with a steroid and gave me splints for both wrists, so now I feel like RoboCop, wearing big, stiff, black gauntlets on my arms, walking like the Frankenstein monster. I have to resist the urge to raise my arms to my chin and growl when I walk down the hall.
I kid, only to hide my depression about the knowledge that if this treatment doesn’t work, I’ll have to undergo yet another surgery for yet another condition. My health continues to just be bad, and now, the thing I love — writing — is in jeopardy. I know I can’t give in to depression and despair, but now I know what it feels like to be disabled. The separateness you feel, having a physical difference that people can’t avoid when they look at you. I’ve already, in the space of a day, been granted piteous and knowing looks from people.
Other people can’t break me, and I won’t let myself break me, and even though it hurts to type these words right now, I won’t let my own wrists break me. But I am feeling broken.
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I’m so sorry. I went through that with only one wrist many years ago. That was hard, but two wrists would really put a kink in everything. I hope the injections do the trick. They worked great for me. Hang in there kiddo.
Dear heart, these words from Leonard Cohen come to mind as I read of your injury …Ring the bells that still can ring!Forget your perfect offering.There’s a crack in everything –That’s how the light gets in…. You are *never* alone in feeling broken xoxoSomehow — and I’m forever trying to make sense of this, even though my soul knows it — we’re broken and whole all at once.Sending thoughts of *flow* to your wrists … xo